La La Land

Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling
Pursuing dreams. Heartaches. What ifs and what could have beens. Following one path over another and living with the choices we make.

This movie has certainly reminded me that no matter what choice we make, we live through it and make the most out of it. This isn’t a review, it’s a reflection. Life can go one way and it can also go the other way. Whatever happens, life is what we make it. We all succeed in one way or another, our success comes from our choices.

07.16.16

You’re going to have to stop breaking my heart, please. Don’t I deserve this too? Don’t I deserve that happiness too? Please don’t do this. Faith and patience have never really been my stronghold; I have had several sleepless nights and I have shed gallons of tears, did I not want it hard enough? I’ve held on for so long now, this is the worst waiting period I’ve been through and still going through. Please let me be happy too.

I found this image off a social media platform and it got me thinking…

I found this image off a social media platform and it got me thinking…

Yes, let’s talk about everything in depth. Even if I can’t remember much about aliens, atoms, and magic, I still wanna talk about ’em. Let’s talk about the Alamo, camels in Texas, bases in Hawaii and Guam, what’s in Micronesia, how to best experience Japan, conspiracy theories about Aztec temples and Mayan ruins and the Valley of Kings, what happened to Pompeii and how close are we to extinction…

Let’s talk about poetry and writing and music and emotions. Let’s talk about suicide and depression, marriage and equality, religion and law… Let’s talk about our flaws and insecurities and our hopes and dreams.

I have very random thoughts, dark and light, deep and funny, simple and complicated.

image

Patience

Patience is a virtue. St. Augustine of Hippo

As an Augustinian, this recently has been a reminder to me. I have never really been patient. I think I’ve got ADHD. I am not patient, I lose my temper a hundred times a day, I tend to let my emotions take control of me, I am illogical most of the time. I am pessimistic and I know how difficult it is to remain smiling and positive among all this time I waste in waiting.

Now I’m in a waiting game with higher stakes. I have never lost more tears than the tears I have shed for this waiting game. I have never lost faith more times than this. Even when I cried over my writing results and the times I took the IELTS. I have not felt as low as this. This waiting game has me at my wit’s end and I am running low on the patience thread… But I know, this wait will be worth it. I have been seeking God more because of this. I have visited Don Bosco and Sto. Nino de Cebu more often. I have visited the hospital chapel more often now than I have ever done in the past.

I pray that I will have a little more patience. I pray that I will remember that this wait is worth it. I pray that I will not waver in my faith and that I will not lose hope. I pray to have a positive outlook on this trial. I pray for patience.

image

image

image

image

FEAR

Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise

This was a previous topic on a Worship group I attended. I was always ready to rise to any challenge… Almost always.

Earlier today, I was feeling awful. Not because of a hangover, I was far from drunk; it was because I lacked sleep. A cumulative of 6 hours sleep over a 60+ hour period of wakefulness.

It was earlier today that I felt another twinge of heartbreak. Who would’ve thought that after all this time, I still harbored some bitterness over being a playmate? It was a long time ago when I felt anything significant even when I saw them together. But today, earlier today, at the celebration… I envied her. I envied the choice. I was never even in the running, mind you… I never had a fighting chance. But still, I envied her. It was a moment of weakness where my tears threatened to fall nonstop. I had to fake a yawn several times to excuse the tears gathering on the edges of my eyes. It was lucky that I was a little ways away from them, lest he sees that he still has a hold on me. I just wanted to leave immediately but I couldn’t, I had to stick with my friends through to the end. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t cry.

When I got back to the apartment, I just switched clothes and immediately headed out. I ran and walked and jogged and walked and ran… I did it for about an hour wherein every moment I stopped to catch my breath or just wait for the light to change, my tears threatened to fall. To be honest, I got a little lost… I had to look up the buildings and street signs and I had to check Google Maps just to get back to the apartment. Usually, when I run I keep myself oriented to where I am… I stick to a route I know well or at least near significant landmarks.

But today… Today was different. I was running without a goal, without a route, without thinking. I ran away. And when I got back to the apartment, I just slumped down. No warm ups, no stretching, no cool down exercises. I know for a fact that my body will hurt and protest like hell tomorrow, but right now… I’m too tired to even care. I just want to curl up and cry, still cry despite being exhausted. I know I stink and I’m hungry, but I can’t even bare to care.

FEAR. I just really want to forget everything and run.

Broken December

You know what, December? I’m starting to hate you. For how many years have I deluded myself that December is the best month, yet you keep disappointing me.
My birth month and Christmas, supposed to be the most awesome, most wonderful time of the year. Yet my heart gets broken on December, I have more problems in December, I cry more in December.
No happy tears this year, just full of heartbroken sobs. Damn you, December. I hate you.

Good bye, star

These crystals fall swiftly, silently.
Unbidden, they race down the fair slopes.
So soft, so soft that I could not hear,
The sighs of broken hearts.

I trace the uninterrupted track,
This mirror does not lie.
The window of the soul,
The eyes that has no light.

Shattered silence of the night.
Screams of disbelief and fright.
How could it be, this frail light,
Dead to all, gone without a fight?

Crimson sea, flows endlessly.
Two scars, fresh and bright.
They mar these pale wings,
They took away its flight.

No farewells, no good byes.
No last kiss, no last smile.
A cold embrace is all that’s left,
From a warm, broken sun to cold, lifeless star.

On the road to recovery.

Health teaching. It makes a difference.
Just because your patient is a nurse in the industry, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to explain the disease process nor not give enough health teachings regarding medications. Thank you, doctor, for being considerate enough to tell me the possible side effects and what I should do. It amazes me that despite seeing me for several respiratory problems already, you still explain it to me. Thank you!