La La Land

Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling
Pursuing dreams. Heartaches. What ifs and what could have beens. Following one path over another and living with the choices we make.

This movie has certainly reminded me that no matter what choice we make, we live through it and make the most out of it. This isn’t a review, it’s a reflection. Life can go one way and it can also go the other way. Whatever happens, life is what we make it. We all succeed in one way or another, our success comes from our choices.

Letter to my Future Love

To the love of my life,

Where are you now? Are you with someone else or are you as alone as I am? I keep wondering where I went wrong? Shouldn’t have we found each other by now? It feels like I missed the last train. I am young, this I know, but I feel so alone.  To me, it feels like everybody is getting engaged, married, or having babies. I’m in my late 20s and I know that it is still young. Though I am career-driven, I thought that at least I’d be dating someone.

When I was a child, back when I dreamed of the distant future, I thought I’d be a married doctor (or at least a resident doctor) by 25 and have kids by 26 or 27. Where am I now? Alone. In a distant country, away from my family. I had viewed the world back then through rose-colored glasses. I believed I could get into the prestigious state university. How wrong I was… I believed I could get into medicine. Unfortunately, you either need the brains or the money to go with medicine. I changed my plans and thought I’d be migrating to the western world with my career. Well, look where I am now. Out in the beautiful Middle East desert, working for a job I sometimes love and I sometimes hate.

Yes, I like this place but this is not where I plan to stay long. The locals are wonderful, kind and accommodating. But the other expatriates, not so much. It doesn’t feel like home. Of course, home is where the heart is… and my heart is torn in two. The first half remains with my family back home and the other half is with the love I’ve yet to meet.

I haven’t met you yet, I suppose. Or maybe I have and I just missed that opportunity. God knows, how many opportunities have passed me by.  Was I too timid? Was I too passive? Maybe I was aggressive for other reasons, aggressively chasing the dreams I thought I wanted. I don’t really know.

I think I’m lost. Too lost to ever figure out that I am chasing the wrong dream. Maybe I can still chase my dreams of travel or of writing. God knows I still want them. It’s probably the reason why I am ambivalent in this career. I am no longer full of passion as when I started. I wonder if that also cooled my passion in finding love.

Dear love of my life, please come and find my lost soul soon. I don’t know how long I can hold on in this ambivalence towards life. I thought I could maintain my passion in life, the passion I had when I braved the challenge of adulthood. Right now, I feel like a lost child. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. I just wake up, go to work, eat, go to sleep. It’s an endless routine that I sometime mix up with hanging out with friends or going shopping. Nonetheless it’s a routine, an ambivalent routine.

So my dear, I hope we can find each other soon. I don’t know about you but I do know that I miss my passion in life. Maybe finding you can rekindle that passion, maybe not. Who knows?  All I know is that I feel lonely without you. Lonely and lost.

Please come and find me soon. I grow tired of the endless wishing.

With all my love, I will wait for you.

Crash and Burn, 03 October 2012

As fast as the fire had started,

just as quickly it dissipated.

Not even embers remain

of memories that are faint.

A friendship that had gone cold,

one I thought to be warm until we grow old.

One thing I regret is that we forget

a blossoming love, turned away by pride.

So goodbye my friend, good bye.

We will never meet again.

Back When I Thought I was Strong, 06 September 2012

I have never reached out to you because I was, I am, afraid of rejection. You were the one to call or send a message, and I was always ready to receive you. Open arms, heart on my sleeve, and listening ears. So why did I fall for you? It was not like you reciprocated the gestures as I wasn’t the one to seek your warmth. I can’t blame you for the injustice, the unfairness of it all. I knew what I was doing and what I was getting into. I can only ever hold myself accountable. More self-hatred and self-pity for me on this one.

Congratulations, by the way, you made me cry. Be proud! Not a lot can get me teary-eyed. I want to talk to you without anyone else, just so I can make heads or tails of it. However, it seems you’ve already got everything sorted out. Thank you for your kind consideration, hear the sarcasm, of my feelings.

How come when I’m the one who wants to talk, you won’t even bat an eyelash? How is it then that when you want to talk, I drop everything and go to you? I hate myself some more every time. I really hate myself for falling for you. I really, really, really  hate myself. It isn’t fair.

It doesn’t help that I’ve already talked to several people. I wish I would just learn to clam up. Before, I never talked about anything with anyone… but because of you and these things between us, I can never stop myself from baring my heart out. Why do I always talk? I might as well die of humiliation. Why can’t the earth just swallow me whole?

It isn’t fair, is it? It never is.

Heartsick and Terrified, 20 August 2012

Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m missing you again. How the hell did you get this power over me? How can I be this much affected? It’s not fair. You don’t even notice my absence. Probably too happy to care. It is so unfair, for you to have this kind on hold on me when everything is so unclear.

I wish I can wipe away the haziness, like mist on a mirror. When did it get so deep, these feelings I have for you? I care a lot. I like you a lot, but, I don’t want to give it any more deeper meaning. It will be too painful if I acknowledge that this is something more.

I wish I can dismiss it as lust, but honestly, there is nothing lust-worthy about you. I wish I can label it as idolatry, but that would be crap. You do not have that much merit to be idolized. I wish I could brush if off as something platonic… although, it’s probably a little too late for that disregard. But I will tell you this, I will never admit it as something more as it would be too difficult to let go as it is to deny.

Confession of Fear in the Confusion, 10 July 2012

Dear God, what is wrong with me? I am so afraid. I feel his heart beating and his breathing. God, I am petrified. More so than the last time something like this happened. I am frightened. Yes, I am a coward and I think he is too. We are both scared to take the plunge. My hands are still shaking, slight tremors are visible as I write this in the early morning light. Dear God, I am afraid indeed. I don’t even know how I can bring it up again. Is what happened tonight supposed to remain in the shadows?

Lord God, please tell me. I am terrified. I don’t want to lose a wonderful friendship. But, is this a blessing from you? I wish it could just be easy. I know, though, that if I surrendered everything to you, it will be perfect. It will be alright. That is all I pray for.

But, dear God, I am still afraid; I really am. Please help me, dear Lord. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Be passive? Be aggressive? Nonchalant? Straightforward? My dear Father, please… please, help me.

Dear Lord God help me.

A glimpse

I saw him today, he looked really happy. I was hoping he’d sit with me, but he was with his friends. It’s frustrating to know that I could’ve been a friend too, had I only chose to smile more. Had I held a conversation more than “Hi” or “Hello”… Had I elaborated more on the “how are you’s”…
He’s happy, that much I know. He deserves it, God only knows how much he does. I envy him though, because he is amicable and well-liked. As I am just a simple shadow beneath his smiling sun.
I am but a wildflower in the midst of all these gorgeous boquets. Unnoticed, overshadowed, unadored. Yet all I need is a glimpse of his brightness. Just a glimpse and my shadowed clouds dissipate. 

Of Memories and Confessions

I do miss kissing you, my favorite “never happened and never will”. No one will ever know you as much as I do. We cannot be strangers again. I can attempt to deny it but an onslaught of memories are triggered by the night sky. The whispering breeze and lapping waves over the warm sand preserve the daydream we lived. The hammock on this beach remains a testament to our confessions, a pendulum swinging in time with our tears. We laughed our cares away on that faithful day and entwined under the cover of darkness. The stars and the moon bore witness to our hopeless reminiscing, vanguards of our crucifixion. All that remain are cruces and odes, poetic utterances of our blight. Our imperfections laid bare for each to understand, to be buried or wielded as weapons. We are the other’s devastation, destruction let loose, havoc unleashed.