The First Year Away

My first birthday, Christmas, and New Year that is legitimately away from home. I’m a thousand miles away in a foreign land with foreign customs in pursuit of a dream that I’m still not sure is completely mine. Am I lonely? In a way, yes. I cannot see my parents aside from video chats. Though I am not affectionate and tend to shy away from social interactions, not seeing my family in person is a little bit hard. I may have had practice by not being home for a couple weeks, even months, at a time but I was still within the same country. I would be able to travel over land in a few hours just to see them with a minimal fee. Now, I have to fly and pay a significant amount if I want to hold them close.

I do not do well in social situations, I tend to stay in and laze around. So this year, it has been challenging for me. Challenging in a way that I had to step up to make friends and be more sociable. It exhausts me to no end but I do not wish to be told that I’m not a team player. That is why I had to push myself, to stop being a recluse, despite my discomfort. I need to be believable that I am happy and grateful to be here.

Six months. Not long at all. Not enough to make me heartsick (homesick), but enough to make me miss my family, dogs included. -21 Nov 2016, 1620H-

My Muse

The night is my muse.

It always has been.

Words flow easily,

from pen to paper,

under the cover of darkness.

Burning the midnight oil,

when the moon is high and bright,

with a blanket of stars.

Whether the backdrop is a city skyline

or a bright sea of lights,

in the cover of darkness,

my muse sings sweetly.

Up on that pedestal,

this inky black sky

illuminated by the silver orb,

a soft glow without warmth,

this moon shines unperturbed.

As aloft as sweet cherubs,

it lends voice to my thoughts.

Transcribing whispered words,

the muse has set to be presented,

harsh ramblings of broken hearts and dashed dreams,

and soft sweet promises of love and hope.

The night is my muse,

inspiring emotions, setting hearts ablaze.

Heartsick and Terrified, 20 August 2012

Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m missing you again. How the hell did you get this power over me? How can I be this much affected? It’s not fair. You don’t even notice my absence. Probably too happy to care. It is so unfair, for you to have this kind on hold on me when everything is so unclear.

I wish I can wipe away the haziness, like mist on a mirror. When did it get so deep, these feelings I have for you? I care a lot. I like you a lot, but, I don’t want to give it any more deeper meaning. It will be too painful if I acknowledge that this is something more.

I wish I can dismiss it as lust, but honestly, there is nothing lust-worthy about you. I wish I can label it as idolatry, but that would be crap. You do not have that much merit to be idolized. I wish I could brush if off as something platonic… although, it’s probably a little too late for that disregard. But I will tell you this, I will never admit it as something more as it would be too difficult to let go as it is to deny.

That Awkward Moment…

That awkward moment when you were daydreaming about a guy named Adrien and then your server at a classy restaurant turns out to be a damned hot guy named Adriene. Well, shit. Awkward AF. I’m extremely grateful I didn’t blush to the tips of my ears.
Thank you, May 4th!

How many more broken hearts?

How many more broken hearts to suffer?
How many more unfulfilled dreams?
Too many tears have been shed
Too many nights lost to crying.
Endless days of faking smiles.
Every moment, waiting with bated breath.

Hope is elusive.
The clouds are dark.
The seas are turbulent.
No more feeling the sun’s rays,
no more bathing under the light of the moon.
The darkness welcomes me.
The heart is lost. A heart chained and scarred.

Negligence

Are you not disappointed with the way you do your job? I find this neglect highly irritating and very much irresponsible on your part. You cannot tell me that you conveniently “forgot” to do this. Is it not part of your expected job? This has been noted on numerous occasions. Once or twice is forgivable. Thrice is enough. But this, this repeated neglect of duty is extremely disappointing. Nobody is perfect, nobody is infallible, but repeating the same mistakes…
It is saddening that you are not able to perform the responsibilities expected of you. I am very much disheartened that you do not think much of the risks this simple act of negligence can pose to all of us.

Nightingale

Do not glorify your job if you cannot do it properly. Do not glorify your job if you belittle other professions. Do not glorify your job if you only think of it as regretful hard labor.
Be a nurse, true to the profession. Save lives and make deaths dignified. What matters is the right kind of attitude. What use do we have for arrogant smart***** if they cannot work well with the rest of team.
Please don’t post “Proud to be a nurse” when you can’t even handle the lava-like bowel movements of your patients. Please don’t pretend to be a proud nurse when you ruin the profession by doing harm to your patient. Please stop asking for a raise when you only do a third of what you are supposed to be doing.
We all get tired and cranky and unsatisfied, but don’t ruin the name of our profession by being irresponsible, disrespectful, and downright annoying.

I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly to pass my life in purity and to practice my profession faithfully.
I shall abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous, and shall not take or knowingly administer any harmful drug.
I shall do all in my power to maintain and elevate the standard of my profession and will hold in confidence all personal matters committed to my keeping and all family affairs coming to my knowledge in the practice of my calling.
I shall be loyal to my work and devoted towards the welfare of those committed to my care.

The Nightingale Pledge, 1935
Named in honor of Florence Nightingale

2015.04.29.

There can only be so many tears shed. I cannot fathom the depths of these feelings. The petty insecurity we all go through, these shallow pools of self-doubt. We mirror the haughty confidence of giant slayers even though we are blind to our own strength. We are overzealous in our portrayal of power to conceal our great fear. There is much freedom destroyed in our unsuccessful seeking of security; there are friendships lost to the sea of greed.