Letter to my Future Love

To the love of my life,

Where are you now? Are you with someone else or are you as alone as I am? I keep wondering where I went wrong? Shouldn’t have we found each other by now? It feels like I missed the last train. I am young, this I know, but I feel so alone.  To me, it feels like everybody is getting engaged, married, or having babies. I’m in my late 20s and I know that it is still young. Though I am career-driven, I thought that at least I’d be dating someone.

When I was a child, back when I dreamed of the distant future, I thought I’d be a married doctor (or at least a resident doctor) by 25 and have kids by 26 or 27. Where am I now? Alone. In a distant country, away from my family. I had viewed the world back then through rose-colored glasses. I believed I could get into the prestigious state university. How wrong I was… I believed I could get into medicine. Unfortunately, you either need the brains or the money to go with medicine. I changed my plans and thought I’d be migrating to the western world with my career. Well, look where I am now. Out in the beautiful Middle East desert, working for a job I sometimes love and I sometimes hate.

Yes, I like this place but this is not where I plan to stay long. The locals are wonderful, kind and accommodating. But the other expatriates, not so much. It doesn’t feel like home. Of course, home is where the heart is… and my heart is torn in two. The first half remains with my family back home and the other half is with the love I’ve yet to meet.

I haven’t met you yet, I suppose. Or maybe I have and I just missed that opportunity. God knows, how many opportunities have passed me by.  Was I too timid? Was I too passive? Maybe I was aggressive for other reasons, aggressively chasing the dreams I thought I wanted. I don’t really know.

I think I’m lost. Too lost to ever figure out that I am chasing the wrong dream. Maybe I can still chase my dreams of travel or of writing. God knows I still want them. It’s probably the reason why I am ambivalent in this career. I am no longer full of passion as when I started. I wonder if that also cooled my passion in finding love.

Dear love of my life, please come and find my lost soul soon. I don’t know how long I can hold on in this ambivalence towards life. I thought I could maintain my passion in life, the passion I had when I braved the challenge of adulthood. Right now, I feel like a lost child. I don’t know what I’m doing in my life. I just wake up, go to work, eat, go to sleep. It’s an endless routine that I sometime mix up with hanging out with friends or going shopping. Nonetheless it’s a routine, an ambivalent routine.

So my dear, I hope we can find each other soon. I don’t know about you but I do know that I miss my passion in life. Maybe finding you can rekindle that passion, maybe not. Who knows?  All I know is that I feel lonely without you. Lonely and lost.

Please come and find me soon. I grow tired of the endless wishing.

With all my love, I will wait for you.

Wishing

​Since I’ve got my career and am on a good track, I think it’s time to wish for a different thing. I’ve not seriously prayed or wished for love before. I mean, I would usually throw it in for good measure but… More often than not, I earnestly prayed for my career. So this year, on my 27th, I think I might just wish for that. To find the love I deserve. Maybe this time around, it won’t take years for my wish to be granted.