The First Year Away

My first birthday, Christmas, and New Year that is legitimately away from home. I’m a thousand miles away in a foreign land with foreign customs in pursuit of a dream that I’m still not sure is completely mine. Am I lonely? In a way, yes. I cannot see my parents aside from video chats. Though I am not affectionate and tend to shy away from social interactions, not seeing my family in person is a little bit hard. I may have had practice by not being home for a couple weeks, even months, at a time but I was still within the same country. I would be able to travel over land in a few hours just to see them with a minimal fee. Now, I have to fly and pay a significant amount if I want to hold them close.

I do not do well in social situations, I tend to stay in and laze around. So this year, it has been challenging for me. Challenging in a way that I had to step up to make friends and be more sociable. It exhausts me to no end but I do not wish to be told that I’m not a team player. That is why I had to push myself, to stop being a recluse, despite my discomfort. I need to be believable that I am happy and grateful to be here.

Six months. Not long at all. Not enough to make me heartsick (homesick), but enough to make me miss my family, dogs included. -21 Nov 2016, 1620H-

; and +

The semi-colon ( ; ) and the crucifix ( ), 11 February 2014

 

The semi-colon, a symbol I first encountered in elementary English. A symbol that was given a new meaning back in 2012,something I found over in Tumblr. A symbol that embodied hope and strength. It means never choosing to end one’s life despite all hardships. For me, it means to endure trials and challenges and to fight back against bullying.

This is a symbol I plan to tattoo and embed in my life. Something to remind me to be strong, to remain hopeful; that many others like me choose life over and over again. That despair is not weakness, it is a trial, to determine if we will choose life.

 

The crucifix, the cross, another symbol. This one of faith. To remind us, to remind me, that Jesus sacrificed himself for us… for me. That He had not lost faith in all humanity despite his own trials. That trust in God’s plan and His timing is important, and He will always see us through.

 

These symbols, once embedded, will never be removed. To give me hope, to give me strength. To remind me that despair is part of life but should not necessarily cause us to end our existence. Life is full of difficulties and it will continuously test our limit, we just have to hold on to hope. These symbols will remind me that I must never give up.

Crash and Burn, 03 October 2012

As fast as the fire had started,

just as quickly it dissipated.

Not even embers remain

of memories that are faint.

A friendship that had gone cold,

one I thought to be warm until we grow old.

One thing I regret is that we forget

a blossoming love, turned away by pride.

So goodbye my friend, good bye.

We will never meet again.

My Muse

The night is my muse.

It always has been.

Words flow easily,

from pen to paper,

under the cover of darkness.

Burning the midnight oil,

when the moon is high and bright,

with a blanket of stars.

Whether the backdrop is a city skyline

or a bright sea of lights,

in the cover of darkness,

my muse sings sweetly.

Up on that pedestal,

this inky black sky

illuminated by the silver orb,

a soft glow without warmth,

this moon shines unperturbed.

As aloft as sweet cherubs,

it lends voice to my thoughts.

Transcribing whispered words,

the muse has set to be presented,

harsh ramblings of broken hearts and dashed dreams,

and soft sweet promises of love and hope.

The night is my muse,

inspiring emotions, setting hearts ablaze.

Back When I Thought I was Strong, 06 September 2012

I have never reached out to you because I was, I am, afraid of rejection. You were the one to call or send a message, and I was always ready to receive you. Open arms, heart on my sleeve, and listening ears. So why did I fall for you? It was not like you reciprocated the gestures as I wasn’t the one to seek your warmth. I can’t blame you for the injustice, the unfairness of it all. I knew what I was doing and what I was getting into. I can only ever hold myself accountable. More self-hatred and self-pity for me on this one.

Congratulations, by the way, you made me cry. Be proud! Not a lot can get me teary-eyed. I want to talk to you without anyone else, just so I can make heads or tails of it. However, it seems you’ve already got everything sorted out. Thank you for your kind consideration, hear the sarcasm, of my feelings.

How come when I’m the one who wants to talk, you won’t even bat an eyelash? How is it then that when you want to talk, I drop everything and go to you? I hate myself some more every time. I really hate myself for falling for you. I really, really, really  hate myself. It isn’t fair.

It doesn’t help that I’ve already talked to several people. I wish I would just learn to clam up. Before, I never talked about anything with anyone… but because of you and these things between us, I can never stop myself from baring my heart out. Why do I always talk? I might as well die of humiliation. Why can’t the earth just swallow me whole?

It isn’t fair, is it? It never is.

Heartsick and Terrified, 20 August 2012

Oh my goodness, I can’t believe I’m missing you again. How the hell did you get this power over me? How can I be this much affected? It’s not fair. You don’t even notice my absence. Probably too happy to care. It is so unfair, for you to have this kind on hold on me when everything is so unclear.

I wish I can wipe away the haziness, like mist on a mirror. When did it get so deep, these feelings I have for you? I care a lot. I like you a lot, but, I don’t want to give it any more deeper meaning. It will be too painful if I acknowledge that this is something more.

I wish I can dismiss it as lust, but honestly, there is nothing lust-worthy about you. I wish I can label it as idolatry, but that would be crap. You do not have that much merit to be idolized. I wish I could brush if off as something platonic… although, it’s probably a little too late for that disregard. But I will tell you this, I will never admit it as something more as it would be too difficult to let go as it is to deny.

Confession of Fear in the Confusion, 10 July 2012

Dear God, what is wrong with me? I am so afraid. I feel his heart beating and his breathing. God, I am petrified. More so than the last time something like this happened. I am frightened. Yes, I am a coward and I think he is too. We are both scared to take the plunge. My hands are still shaking, slight tremors are visible as I write this in the early morning light. Dear God, I am afraid indeed. I don’t even know how I can bring it up again. Is what happened tonight supposed to remain in the shadows?

Lord God, please tell me. I am terrified. I don’t want to lose a wonderful friendship. But, is this a blessing from you? I wish it could just be easy. I know, though, that if I surrendered everything to you, it will be perfect. It will be alright. That is all I pray for.

But, dear God, I am still afraid; I really am. Please help me, dear Lord. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Be passive? Be aggressive? Nonchalant? Straightforward? My dear Father, please… please, help me.

Dear Lord God help me.