FEAR

Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise

This was a previous topic on a Worship group I attended. I was always ready to rise to any challenge… Almost always.

Earlier today, I was feeling awful. Not because of a hangover, I was far from drunk; it was because I lacked sleep. A cumulative of 6 hours sleep over a 60+ hour period of wakefulness.

It was earlier today that I felt another twinge of heartbreak. Who would’ve thought that after all this time, I still harbored some bitterness over being a playmate? It was a long time ago when I felt anything significant even when I saw them together. But today, earlier today, at the celebration… I envied her. I envied the choice. I was never even in the running, mind you… I never had a fighting chance. But still, I envied her. It was a moment of weakness where my tears threatened to fall nonstop. I had to fake a yawn several times to excuse the tears gathering on the edges of my eyes. It was lucky that I was a little ways away from them, lest he sees that he still has a hold on me. I just wanted to leave immediately but I couldn’t, I had to stick with my friends through to the end. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t cry.

When I got back to the apartment, I just switched clothes and immediately headed out. I ran and walked and jogged and walked and ran… I did it for about an hour wherein every moment I stopped to catch my breath or just wait for the light to change, my tears threatened to fall. To be honest, I got a little lost… I had to look up the buildings and street signs and I had to check Google Maps just to get back to the apartment. Usually, when I run I keep myself oriented to where I am… I stick to a route I know well or at least near significant landmarks.

But today… Today was different. I was running without a goal, without a route, without thinking. I ran away. And when I got back to the apartment, I just slumped down. No warm ups, no stretching, no cool down exercises. I know for a fact that my body will hurt and protest like hell tomorrow, but right now… I’m too tired to even care. I just want to curl up and cry, still cry despite being exhausted. I know I stink and I’m hungry, but I can’t even bare to care.

FEAR. I just really want to forget everything and run.