Chasing Dreams

Your heart breaks when you have to say goodbye and when you can’t help but feel envious that they have successfully chased their dreams. You planned on chasing dreams together, yet you get left behind. It’s painful. It’s reality. It wasn’t meant for you no matter how many times you tried grasping and reaching. You run and run until you’ve exhausted yourself, you’re still stuck. Stuck in a hellhole, dreaming and wishing and hoping incessantly that you get your chance to chase your dreams. But you’re stuck and you cry your self to sleep because you want to run around the lush green expanse but you’re stuck with the brown and gray landscape. You’re stuck here and you’re losing hope. You fail in chasing dreams. The butterfly of happiness always eludes you.

Jesus prays at the garden of Gethsemane

“Abba, Father,” he cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” —Mark 14:36

Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane is, in my opinion, the most unexpected prayer . . . ever. There is no prayer in Scripture that surprises us more than this one. And no prayer ever prayed startles us more than this one.

Throughout the latter half of Mark’s Gospel, Jesus often predicted his imminent death. He not only knew that he was going to die in a terrible way, but also that his death was necessary. As he said in Mark 8:31, “the Son of Man must suffer many things” and be killed. This was not optional, but divine necessity.

Yet in the Garden, Jesus actually asked to be relieved of his duty.”Abba, Father,” he prayed, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me” (14:36). Of course, he also added, “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” But Christians often leap to Jesus’ submission to the will of the Father without letting his request sink in. Even though Jesus knew that it was necessary for him to die, he still asked for some other way.

Perhaps no other passage in Scripture more powerfully demonstrates the humanity of Jesus. No other passage allows us to feel just how much his experience was like our own. Jesus knew what it meant to struggle with God’s will. He was familiar with the challenge of following the Father when his way is difficult, painful, and overwhelming.

This means that Jesus understands our struggles, not as an outsider looking in, but as an insider, as one of us. Thus when we are struggling with the Lord, when we find obedience to be hard to attain, we can know that Jesus gets it. This gives us the confidence to ask for his help, without guilt or shame.

As we learn to open our hearts fully to God, we will find from him the help we need to obey. Through the Spirit, we will be able to echo Jesus’ prayer of humble submission: “Yet I want your will to be done, not mine” (14:36).

—- This was a daily reflection on a Bible app that I have. It fits my life right now. I have been sad lately that I barely even get “angry” or “grumpy”. I know some of my colleagues might disagree, but I know for myself that I have not had the passion or urge to bite back. I have lately been more accepting of what was happening around me. This may be a possible positive change in my personality but it still strikes me as a different me. I don’t know if I have actually just given up fighting for what I want or if I have just “let go and let God”. Hopefully, it’s the latter. I don’t want to just give up.

Musings of a Woman Near the Quarter Life Mark

Since I have been single for quite a long time and pretty much dateless, save for the occasional wrong decisions and random out-of-the-blue stints (which I count as experience that would later translate into wisdom), I’ve pretty much viewed my life as borderline boring. I only get excitement brought about by those epic fail decisions and my career advancements; and the random happy moments brought about by spontaneous night/day outs post duty. Of course, there’s also the once a year vacation with my family, which pretty much exclaims how very SINGLE and UNATTACHED and DATELESS I am. Well, there was football at one point but it seems I cannot even bring myself to do that anymore; blame my insecurity of not being good enough for the team play and my shyness towards strangers.

So there, in my opinion, my life is borderline boring. I’m not even sure if I just mean my social life or my life as a whole. Maybe it’s both. And as a kid, I wanted to seek out excitement and helping others in need. Don’t get me wrong, in my career as a nurse I do help out others (you know, nursing them back to health and all that stuff) and I do love what I do despite my vocalizations against my own career. But I always imagined myself to be at 25 in a small provincial hospital saving lives as a doctor. Or maybe volunteering for doctors without borders or helping out with the UN in bringing water and education, etc to the third world countries.

Another one of those unfulfilled dreams would be that at 25, I would be successful in my career (which I actually am) and would be happily married (which I’m not); and by 26 or 27 I’d have a kid, or kids, whichever really. And I am 24 now, in about 4 months time I am turning 25; with only one achievement unlocked: Career success. Don’t get me wrong, I am not at the top of the food chain (I think pyramid is more appropriate, but that’s how the saying goes, right?) and I am not the best there ever was or is. But I am young for a manager, even if it is a low level managerial position, in this career. Sure there were others before me and others like me since the turnover is pretty high and pretty quick, so I don’t think that this is quite a big feat for me. Still, at 23 years old and exactly this month last year, I started training for my current position and at 24 years old I am an official manager. When you think about it, that translates to career success in my books. But I still feel torn about this achievement, I don’t feel like I deserve this and I feel that this was only given because a number of our senior staff had resigned or was resigning back then. Maybe it really is just my insecurity talking or maybe I don’t really deserve this… But I know that I will still count this as part of my achievement of my numerous dreams.

I still have a long, long way to go though; and if I think about it, with regards to getting married and having a family, I’m way off my calendar… Or mark? Or deadline? First off, I am always dateless which leads me to another musing… Depressing as it seems, I have to find a way to entertain myself socially (excluding my friends in the definition of social) and I have no idea how to do that. I find dating annoying if I have no intention of getting into a committed relationship and eventually marrying that person. I don’t want to go on dates just because I’m bored and have nothing better to do. I’d rather hole up in my room and read (or watch TV or movies) and I would rather stroll by myself than get in awkward silences with someone I have no intention of being in a relationship with. Dating is fun and awkward at first but I’d rather go on a date with a potential partner than with another stranger someday.

I have a friend who keeps telling me that I should give it a chance but I tried that once and look where it got me? Someone I once dated is still not over me after 6 or 7 years? Scratch that, probably 9 or 10 years, and it gets awkward in social gatherings when our friends bring that past issue up. I mean, I dumped him right? So why do you think that there is still any chance for romance in that? Hello, guys? I am not a firm believer in second chances or take twos. So now, I am even more adamant in my resolve of only going out on a date with a potential future partner. I won’t date unless I see a future between us. And I guess my friends find it weird, this resolve I have; but for me, it isn’t weird at all.

So, yeah, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Haha! It’s just that I wish I could have had fulfilled my childhood dreams by this time. Well, I always said that if I don’t get married by 30, I’d have a whole box of back up plans and bucket lists to accomplish anyway.

5 Sleepless Dreams, Random Quirks and Weird Habits of Mine (a.k.a. Fun Facts)

 

1) My ultimate dream is to tour the world. Sunrise at Machu Picchu; dinner in Paris, preferrably on the Eiffel Tower; Night life in Amsterdam; Winter in Vienna; beach holiday in the Carribean; Sunset at Angkor Wat temples; a hike through the Great Wall of China; an expedition in the Amazon; afternoon prayer at a Japanese temple; hot springs at night under cherry blossom trees; New Year at Sydney; Carnaval at Rio de Janeiro, etc. 😍🙌

2) I’ve done ballet, voice lessons, piano lessons, and swimming; yet, I have no talent at all. I don’t even know how to swim, and we had swimming again for PE in 2nd year college.😨😵

3) I have too many unfinished manuscripts and freehand poetry lying around my different journals and notepads (and tablet and smartphone and laptop); all waiting for the plot bunnies to continue their beautiful weaving which, unfortunately, has still not produced me a finished novel nor poetry collection… 😡😱

4) My favorite colors are the “goth” and “emo” colors: RED and BLACK. But all my stuff are either in pink or pink or pink… Haha! Wait, I have pastel colors as well, I think… 😝😁

5) I overthink. Take note, it’s not a tendency, I really do overthink anything and everything. Which may coincidentally contribute to my weak immune system and high susceptibility to illnesses. (Never mind the fact that I am a lazy human being who just doesn’t eat right nor exercise. 😜) 😰😓😷